Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
