just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
