Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
