It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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