she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
