he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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