I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
