glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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