can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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