so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
