i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
