Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
