I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
