It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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