Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
