Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
