I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
