i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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