I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
