Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
