I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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