me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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