Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
