at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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