from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
