Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
