it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
