I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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