If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
