he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
