i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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