Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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