I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
