Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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