so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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