No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize