i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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