smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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