After last night, I could never be a politician.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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