ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
