I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
