I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
