Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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