so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
this is an emotional support booty call
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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