Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
