drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
