I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
