Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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