conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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