I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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