he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
