Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
im holly from the hills drunk
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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