Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
