i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
