You're completely useless in the revolution.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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