the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
