how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
is that a dick in a sweater?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
