Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
