My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
